Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My happy place

Parker and I worked our so called issues out and have been doing really great lately. We've been pretty busy lately. Went to a wedding reception almost 2 weeks ago and I think it was just what we needed-a nice time out on the town. We danced to our first song at the reception, Wonderful tonight by Eric Clapton. LOVED it. So for now I am extremely happy with us and how we are lately. We made it to the 6 month mark which is HUGE for me. Haha.

The only upset is that he told me a few days ago that in May he may leave for a good 6-9 months. He's weighing out a couple of options. One, he will go be a rafting guide up north for the summer then head to Thailand with Anthony for another 3 months. Two, he joins a yacht crew and travels around as a deck hand for several months.

Where does this leave me you ask? Good question. I told him that I'd be upset if he up and took off on a 6 month vacation and expect me to just sit here waiting for him. He said that he wanted to tell me now to see how committed I am. How committed is he if he is willing to just up and leave me because he wants to go galavant around the country side? Ugh. I told him that as long as he can see himself with me long term then we can handle it. So for now, we play it by ear. We are what we are and we'll see where we are at come May if he decides to leave. He is my happy place.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Caution- Road Work Ahead

Parker and I have been fighting alot lately. Call me stubborn, but I dont think I've done anything wrong. There' s just this side of him I've never seen. He's mean and hurtful. He called me fat the other day, which we all know is a BIG no no in the dating scene. Then mocked me by saying, "oh im sorry thats what your mom used to call you huh?" Not funny. He doesnt think before he speaks. I told him to buffer his words and he said that he's not going to lie to me to make me happy. Ass. Saturday was a whole other ballgame, turned the table onto my friend and proceeded to call her fat as well. I can not believe how shallow he is being. If he was anyone else I would have left a long time ago...but for once im sticking it out through the bad, because call me crazy, I love him. Does he know that? No. If I told him maybe he'd be nicer and say he was sorry. There's alot more to the "fat" stories, just dont feel like typing them out.

I dont want to tell him I love him let alone take my shirt off around him right now. How could you want to be close to someone that puts you down? It's emotional abuse and its bullshit. He is coming over tonight so we can talk about our issues. So, we will just have to see where it goes. He knows he was wrong and wants us to move on, but at the same point, we need to talk about it so that it doesn't happen again and he knows its not how he should treat me. He is supposed to pick me up, not put me down. Ugh. Relationships are work...I miss my nice Parker. The Parker that didnt make me cry or feel insecure, the Parker that made me laugh so hard I peed my pants.

So i'll have to keep you posted on progress...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The City of Angels

Excuse my grammar and exhausted! spell check button isnt working..

I just got back from my adventure in LA. I used to really hate that town, too much traffic, too dirty...etc. But yesterday I realized that its REAL. Orange County in a bubble. Especially South Orange County... In LA graffiti is everywhere you look, ugly mostly, but in a round about way its art. In LA not everyone is rich and famous or fake and phony. I think it was just nice to get out, take a deep breath of smog and have fun. So now I am home and physically tired as well as emotionally drained.

I did not know that Dan suffers from anxiety attacks. I found out the hard way last night.

This is what happened. We arrived at Kyles house, no one was there so we just let ourselves in, shortly after, one of his roommates came home. Well the roommate decided to offer Dan some weed (ya..he smokes every once in awile, the world is an imperfect place). Dan took about 2 hits of it and with in 5 minutes he was shaking, cold and sick. He stood up from the couch ran out to the balcony and threw up, or so I thought. So i go and check on him, ask him if he's ok, get him some water...when I got out there he was shaking uncontrolably and his heart was beating out of his chest. He immediately hugged me and was borderline crying. I got him to Kyles bedroom so he could lay down. He was saying he was cold so i put every blanket in the house i could find on him...he was still shaking so the only thing i could think of doing was to pretty much spoon him to help get him warm. Mom instincts turned on, even though im not a mom I just did what i would want if I was in his position. So i rubbed his head and told him to breathe and try to relax. It eventually worked. Such a draining experience. I was genuinely worried about him at one point i was thinking of where the nearest hospital was...turns out he didn't eat all day,smoked a pack of cigs to himself,only had alcohol in his system and on top of that he has some family issues going that is what triggered the anxiety attack we decided.

This morning he was so grateful that I was there. Said anyone else wouldnt have layed there with him until he was ok. He said im a good person and an amazing friend. Then, he appologized for smoking the weed. Which was all really nice to hear. So today we all went to Long Beach for a music festival! Dan was still feeling iffy so I stuck by him the whole day just to keep an eye on him. The music was great! I've never seen so many hippies in my life!

The drive home was nice, Dan and I just talked about last night and how i felt about it and how i never want to see him like that again...but i'd be there in a heart beat. Good friends are hard to find.

Now on to Parker...

I sent him a text on the drive home asking him if he wanted to come over, its sunday, he always comes over...he said and I quote: "Maybe, I dont know how much you'll be seeing me for the next month, Anthony is home"

Ouch. Anthony is his best friend who just got home from Iraq, so understandable that they'd be hanging out. But does that really mean that I get put on the back burner for a month? There has to be a balance between friends and me. He can't honestly think that he can just put me off for a month and pick back up can he? He's fucking insane if he thinks im going to be like "oh ok babe, see you in November." and why can't we all hang out? I've never even met the guy yet! Ugh. I want to scream. I need to talk to him, ive tried to but the Angels game is on. GO REDSOX btw.Parker does what Parker wants to do, he runs on Parker time. I think im just going to take a shower and go to sleep so I dont stew over this all night.

Friday, October 3, 2008

For the love of...Music!

I'm going to let you in on what I have been listening to.

Download and dance around!

Katy Perry- Hot n Cold

Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire (weird name, but so so good)

Dodie Stevens- Tan Shoes with Pink Shoe laces

LuLu- To Sir With Love

Taco Tuesdays

I can honestly say that I am the happiest Ive been in quite some time. No, nothing special or amazing happened. But, do you ever step back and see what you have? I did that this week. So contrary to my last post, this one is chipper! I've been hanging out with my friend Dan alot, and the more we get together the more and more I appreciate him as a person. We knew of each other in high school, pretty much ran with the same crowd but never really clicked. I am glad to call him my friend. He is a genuinely nice guy with a huge heart. He appreciates me for me. He doesn't point out stupid things about me nor does he treat me like a disposable friend. (You know, the kind that you hang out with just because they are there) We have nice talks over cold beer, and we have made Tuesdays nights our night out. We do Taco Tuesday, starting at Cooks Corner mainly because their pitchers are only $8, but they also have damn good tacos. From their we head over to Tortilla Flats where our friend Kam Djs. Not my type of music but hey, I've known Kam since 4th grade, and what ever we spend at the bar he gets a portion. Anyways, Do you ever have that one friend where you know that no matter what you say,do or confess you know that they will still love you. That's Dan. He says he appreciates my morals and the fact that I have self respect. (Side note) We were at a party together and he brought to my attention that one of the girls there, well...lets just say shes like a bicycle... And the majority of the guys have gone for a spin. So he wanted to let me know that he likes that I am not like her and that when they do try to come on to me I shoot them down. He says it shows moral upstanding. I just call it common sense. But hey, I guess its how you were brought up. Ok back on track..... Dan yes, Dan. He is one of my favorite people... Mom, you'll get this, He's like Taylor, but more of a man hahahaa.

Anyways, its Friday and I have no plans. Zero. Zilch. Zip. NADA.

But ya know what? I DONT CARE! Anywho..... to whom it may concern, have a good weekend!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

April 15th 2008

I didn't know whether to scream or cry tonight. I saw Dick at the gas station. I thought I was going to throw up and cry all at the same time. I walked quickly to the door and got on the phone with Amy for moral support and so I could make myself unapproachable. When I got back to my car to pump gas he had the nerve to walk up to me. He said Hi, long time no see. I pretended he wasn't standing there. He then said, fucking talk to me!... so I turned to him looked him in the eyes and said " If you don't get the hell away from me right now, you'll regret it. I wish for everything in your life to go horribley wrong so that you can feel half of what you have made me feel. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.So please, just go away and kill yourself.
He walked back to his shitty piece of shit Harley and said nothing in reply to my statement. I got in my car clenched the steering wheel and screamed. Then driving back home I cried. I am proud of myself for facing him, it was a turning point for me i think. I just wanted him to know he didn't break me. Now the night is on repeat in my head. I am only thankful for the fact that I can't remember most of it, blessing in disguise I guess. The parts I do remember I wish I couldn't. So tonight, Im going to lay in bed and not get up til morning. Sleep helps everything. Shit, i am crying while typing this. I haven't talked about it in such a long time. Not a day goes by where I dont think about it...everytime I see a truck that looks like his my heart stops. Anywhere I go I always wonder if I'll run into him and tonight I did.

Monday oh Monday..

"The way I see it" from my starbucks cup this afternoon:

"Childhood is a strange country. It’s a place you come from or go to – at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It’s like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you’re dizzy."
-- Lyall BushExecutive director of Richard Hugo House, a center for writers and readers

I went for a bike ride, not because I'm feeling blimpy but because im feeling nostalgic. Bike riding always made me feel free and giddy. Nothing in the world matters when the wind is blowing through your hair and your coasting down a hill on your bike...whether you're 22 or 12, it will always be nice. Its become my new form of exercise and stress release. Did 3 miles today, kicked my ass but lord knows my ass literally needs the kicking. Haha.

Music homework=
Paul Simon- Duncan

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Favorite Things


-mashed taters

-dancing in the car

-the beach

-mi familia


-popsicles with the jokes on the stick

-scented candles

-Parkers belly :)

-the carpool lane
-cold beer
-movie channels
-feel better hugs
-rocky road ice cream
-saturday naps
-sunday nights

Saturday Night

It's Saturday night, and here I am. So I figured I'd Blog it up a bit.
Last night was my friend Samantha's going away party. She's moving to New York, lucky bitch. The party was actually really fun. It's always been awkward seeing people from high school...a lot of them have not changed one bit. I on the other hand got the hell out of town for 3 years. A lot of them have their judgements towards me due to my high school boyfriend and I 's break up. So FINALLY after 4 years they let it go. About damn time. He was there, with his new girlfriend and it wasn't strange at all. Funny, looking at him now I don't know what I ever saw attractive in him.-Haha.
Growing up is funny and shitty all at once. Im sick of being broke and crossing my fingers for a 2nd job. This economy has gone to the shitter. My industry has finally felt the blow. It's become far slower than its ever been. For that reason I am hunting for a 2nd job. I had an interview at Macaroni Grill yesterday, so I am just crossing my fingers now. I need to play the Lotto. Yep, that's what I should do. I was actually surprised I got a call back from Macaroni Grill...they had me take a test, 150 questions 45 of them were math and no calculator was allowed. So me being the mathematical wiz i am freaked out. I'm sorry why do I need to know what 6% of $248.63 thats what computers are for! Anywho...apparently Im not THAT stupid they called me back.
Hey....good news! I started my period today! I wasn't at all worried but due to my brothers situation I celebrate haha! Let the cramps begin. But hell, I'd rather feel that than labor pains. Im 22 I've got shit I want to do, a baby would scramble that all up. Dont worry, I'll marry first. And when I say marry I mean a REAL wedding not some court house crap like the other siblings are fond of doing. Oh family will be invited!
Ok sleepy time but I am leaving you with homework.
Music these songs and just listen.
Minus the Bear- Absinthe Party
Death Cab For Cutie- Transatlanticism, also Tiny Vessels
The Flaming Lips- Do you realize

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Pre Menstral Syndrome!

Is 2008 over yet? I had high hopes for this year, I really did.

It wasn't all bad though...I have amazing parents and now have an equally as amazing boyfriend. He showed up when I gave up on the idea that decent guys exist. I try not to think about April. Thats how I reference it. "April". The day taxes are due will never be the same. I think my period is coming so thats why I am all emotional. Blah. I keep telling myself karma will come full circle for him, karma will come full circle for him....

I thank the Lord for giving me such a warm and understanding boyfriend. He saw something in me when all I saw was damaged goods. As I get older relationships become more mature...we dont talk about what movie to see, we talk about spending 20 bucks to go see it. Everythings just become more serious. Talks of the future no longer scare me and make me want to scream CREEP! Instead, I like thinking about it to.

Life throws you curves, but you learn to swurve. You get handed crap but then somewhere down the line flowers pop up :).

Friday, September 5, 2008

Ignore the time that this was posted.

It is in fact almost 3 a.m. and I am wide awake. I had really bad lower back pain all night so I took a vicodin in hopes of getting rid of it or atleast covering up whatever problem it is. Cross your fingers that its not a kidney stone. Needless to say, I am WIRED. Thanks vicodin.

Labor day weekend:

Pardon my french, but, WHAT THE FUCK.

My older but not wiser brother Steve brought his girlfriend out for us all to meet. I was excited about it-a little. I joined them for dinner with my birth mother on thursday, upon meeting her she seemed reserved yet sweet. After casual conversation she came across as a little something just isnt right. She has a 'tude. I am alsmot always a good judge of character. Upon meeting someone new I can usually tell if that person means well, has a good heart, has a good attitude. But with her, it just wasnt all there. I am sure its intimidating meeting your new bf's fam, but hey, we are the nicest most laid back family out there. We really just had nothing to talk about and I found her boring. We are the same age but she and I are nothing alike. Anyways, they are expecting a baby in April. They met through Myspace have been dating for roughly 3 months and are expecting a baby. God help us all. I am not mad at my brother, I am disappointed-which to me is worse. I feel like I am beating a dead horse in my head...I am done "talking trash" and am more focused on the unborn child. What is this kid in for? A daddy visit everyother weekend? A mommy and daddy that got married because mommy got knocked up and had no medical insurance so daddy had no choice? Ugh. The word adoption has crossed my mind, but at the same point, that baby has Baer blood running through it. And if you are "responsible" enough to have sex, then you should be "responsible" enough to take what comes with that. I am not saying that my life would have ran smoother with a constant mom and dad figure, i am SO happy with how my family turned out. But I do feel a constant mother and father figure is important. But as long as the baby is loved, thats all that really matters. I turned out just fine, I cant vouche for my brother, but I am perfectly fine with the choices my parents made. My parents realized what worked and what didnt. Not one second did I feel unloved. Im rambling and I appologize, like i said, its 3 freaking a.m.

Im going to make a list of what drives me nuts (inspired by mi madre):

91 freeway always being a parking lot

RNC and the DNC

Reality TV

Guys wearing pants 3 sizes too small

Girls having no respect for themselves

One word- recession

Tramp stamps

Herpes commercials

Sucky tippers

My cell phone turning off when ever it wants

People that dont understand english

Drivers that dont use their turn signals

My room constantly being hotter than satins living room

Bucket list

Things to do before I die:

Drive a zamboni

Write a book

Marry the love of my life/best friend

Have kids

Buy a house with a wrap around porch

Be an extra on Law and Order

Travel throughout Europe

Open my own bar and grill

Design my own clothing line

Live somewhere other than California

Make a difference in the life of a child(other than my own)

Donate money to childrens leukemia charity

Take a week long cruise

Camp in Yellowstone

See Mount Rushmore

Kiss on the Eiffel Tower(or under it)

Visit the White House

Learn how to speak Italian

Eat lunch with Dave Grohl

See my name in the credits of a movie under Hair and Make up Artist

Monday, August 25, 2008


To whom it may concern:

I was born March 12th 1986 in Anchorage, AK. I grew up in a military(marine corps) family. My dad was a recruiter, thus the reason I was born in such a random state. But hey, it makes me unique. My parents divorced when I was about 4 or 5, I'm thinking more around the age of 4. Not too sure. I grew up in southern California my entire life. I don't remember Alaska except from pictures and stories. I have 3 brothers, a half, a step and a whole. Confusing I know...but all in all I wouldn't trade my disfunctional family for anything in the world. My oldest brother Steve is who i spent the majority of my childhood with. My step brother Miles, who I never refer to as step brother by the way, lived with my Dad and Step mom, who I never call step mom, and I saw him on the every other weekends with my Dad.
I don't use the word "step" in reference to my family because i don't think its fair. Blood does not always make you family. I believe that people enter your life for reasons only the good Lord above knows, and those people are the ones who were sent/given to you to make your life better. Everyone assumes that they have to hate their step families, I laugh when people ask if i hate my "step" mom. It's impossible to hate someone who has done nothing but love you for you from the moment they met you.
The half brother is an entirely other story. I met him a few times while younger, lost touch, reunited and then he disappeared again. No one really understands why, but in my opinion, I don't want you around anyways. Just because you are blood does not make you my brother. I don't even know him, nor does he know me. I think I like it that way at this point.
I was given the best Dad i could possibly ever ask for, he is not perfect and yes, made some mistakes, but at the end of the day he loves his kids. And that right there is all that matters. I am a daddy's girl through and through. My brother Steve is the one who is closest with our mom. I'm just going to say it, She favors him. Ha. He is my mother trapped in a 26 year old mans body. He make look just like our Dad but Lord help him, he is just like our mom. I on the other hand, am like my dad. I have his sense of humor and I think I have his outlook on life as well. Life is too short to be miserable. He and I both don't like to play the victim, while my brother and mom on the other hand, walk around acting like they've been dealt a bad hand.
I have 2 Moms. One that birthed me, and one that got me the easy way labor free. She is my rock. i talk to her like I would a friend. She never once treated me like i was not her own, in fact she has treated me far better than my own mother. As I get older I start to realize just how amazing my family is. I am actually thankful my parents divorced. If they hadn't I wouldn't have such a great "step" mom and "step" brother. Everything happens for a reason.
So that about sums me up a bit. My family is crazy, but at the end of the day, we are all that we've got.


My first!

To whom it may concern:
This would be my first official blog. Not quite sure who would actually want to read about my life happenings, but if you by chance are one of the few, welcome. I havent decided what I am going to be writing about on here just yet, maybe ill start out with a little history on myself, tell my life story and then take it from there? I think thats what ill do.