April 15th 2008

I didn't know whether to scream or cry tonight. I saw Dick at the gas station. I thought I was going to throw up and cry all at the same time. I walked quickly to the door and got on the phone with Amy for moral support and so I could make myself unapproachable. When I got back to my car to pump gas he had the nerve to walk up to me. He said Hi, long time no see. I pretended he wasn't standing there. He then said, fucking talk to me!... so I turned to him looked him in the eyes and said " If you don't get the hell away from me right now, you'll regret it. I wish for everything in your life to go horribley wrong so that you can feel half of what you have made me feel. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.So please, just go away and kill yourself.
He walked back to his shitty piece of shit Harley and said nothing in reply to my statement. I got in my car clenched the steering wheel and screamed. Then driving back home I cried. I am proud of myself for facing him, it was a turning point for me i think. I just wanted him to know he didn't break me. Now the night is on repeat in my head. I am only thankful for the fact that I can't remember most of it, blessing in disguise I guess. The parts I do remember I wish I couldn't. So tonight, Im going to lay in bed and not get up til morning. Sleep helps everything. Shit, i am crying while typing this. I haven't talked about it in such a long time. Not a day goes by where I dont think about it...everytime I see a truck that looks like his my heart stops. Anywhere I go I always wonder if I'll run into him and tonight I did.

Monday oh Monday..

"The way I see it" from my starbucks cup this afternoon:

"Childhood is a strange country. It’s a place you come from or go to – at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It’s like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you’re dizzy."
-- Lyall BushExecutive director of Richard Hugo House, a center for writers and readers



I went for a bike ride, not because I'm feeling blimpy but because im feeling nostalgic. Bike riding always made me feel free and giddy. Nothing in the world matters when the wind is blowing through your hair and your coasting down a hill on your bike...whether you're 22 or 12, it will always be nice. Its become my new form of exercise and stress release. Did 3 miles today, kicked my ass but lord knows my ass literally needs the kicking. Haha.



Music homework=
Paul Simon- Duncan

Favorite Things

-Parker

-mashed taters

-dancing in the car

-the beach

-mi familia

-music

-popsicles with the jokes on the stick

-scented candles

-Parkers belly :)

-driving

-the carpool lane

-cold beer

-movie channels

-feel better hugs

-rocky road ice cream

-laughing

-saturday naps

-sunday nights

Saturday Night

It's Saturday night, and here I am. So I figured I'd Blog it up a bit.

Last night was my friend Samantha's going away party. She's moving to New York, lucky bitch. The party was actually really fun. It's always been awkward seeing people from high school...a lot of them have not changed one bit. I on the other hand got the hell out of town for 3 years. A lot of them have their judgements towards me due to my high school boyfriend and I 's break up. So FINALLY after 4 years they let it go. About damn time. He was there, with his new girlfriend and it wasn't strange at all. Funny, looking at him now I don't know what I ever saw attractive in him.-Haha.

Growing up is funny and shitty all at once. Im sick of being broke and crossing my fingers for a 2nd job. This economy has gone to the shitter. My industry has finally felt the blow. It's become far slower than its ever been. For that reason I am hunting for a 2nd job. I had an interview at Macaroni Grill yesterday, so I am just crossing my fingers now. I need to play the Lotto. Yep, that's what I should do. I was actually surprised I got a call back from Macaroni Grill...they had me take a test, 150 questions 45 of them were math and no calculator was allowed. So me being the mathematical wiz i am freaked out. I'm sorry why do I need to know what 6% of $248.63 thats what computers are for! Anywho...apparently Im not THAT stupid they called me back.

Hey....good news! I started my period today! I wasn't at all worried but due to my brothers situation I celebrate haha! Let the cramps begin. But hell, I'd rather feel that than labor pains. Im 22 I've got shit I want to do, a baby would scramble that all up. Dont worry, I'll marry first. And when I say marry I mean a REAL wedding not some court house crap like the other siblings are fond of doing. Oh and....my family will be invited!

Ok sleepy time but I am leaving you with homework.

Music homework...download these songs and just listen.

music=love.

Minus the Bear- Absinthe Party

Death Cab For Cutie- Transatlanticism, also Tiny Vessels

The Flaming Lips- Do you realize

Pre Menstral Syndrome!

Is 2008 over yet? I had high hopes for this year, I really did.

It wasn't all bad though...I have amazing parents and now have an equally as amazing boyfriend. He showed up when I gave up on the idea that decent guys exist. I try not to think about April. Thats how I reference it. "April". The day taxes are due will never be the same. I think my period is coming so thats why I am all emotional. Blah. I keep telling myself karma will come full circle for him, karma will come full circle for him....

I thank the Lord for giving me such a warm and understanding boyfriend. He saw something in me when all I saw was damaged goods. As I get older relationships become more mature...we dont talk about what movie to see, we talk about spending 20 bucks to go see it. Everythings just become more serious. Talks of the future no longer scare me and make me want to scream CREEP! Instead, I like thinking about it to.

Life throws you curves, but you learn to swurve. You get handed crap but then somewhere down the line flowers pop up :).

Ignore the time that this was posted.

It is in fact almost 3 a.m. and I am wide awake. I had really bad lower back pain all night so I took a vicodin in hopes of getting rid of it or atleast covering up whatever problem it is. Cross your fingers that its not a kidney stone. Needless to say, I am WIRED. Thanks vicodin.

Labor day weekend:

Pardon my french, but, WHAT THE FUCK.

My older but not wiser brother Steve brought his girlfriend out for us all to meet. I was excited about it-a little. I joined them for dinner with my birth mother on thursday, upon meeting her she seemed reserved yet sweet. After casual conversation she came across as a little odd...like something just isnt right. She has a 'tude. I am alsmot always a good judge of character. Upon meeting someone new I can usually tell if that person means well, has a good heart, has a good attitude. But with her, it just wasnt all there. I am sure its intimidating meeting your new bf's fam, but hey, we are the nicest most laid back family out there. We really just had nothing to talk about and I found her boring. We are the same age but she and I are nothing alike. Anyways, they are expecting a baby in April. They met through Myspace have been dating for roughly 3 months and are expecting a baby. God help us all. I am not mad at my brother, I am disappointed-which to me is worse. I feel like I am beating a dead horse in my head...I am done "talking trash" and am more focused on the unborn child. What is this kid in for? A daddy visit everyother weekend? A mommy and daddy that got married because mommy got knocked up and had no medical insurance so daddy had no choice? Ugh. The word adoption has crossed my mind, but at the same point, that baby has Baer blood running through it. And if you are "responsible" enough to have sex, then you should be "responsible" enough to take what comes with that. I am not saying that my life would have ran smoother with a constant mom and dad figure, i am SO happy with how my family turned out. But I do feel a constant mother and father figure is important. But as long as the baby is loved, thats all that really matters. I turned out just fine, I cant vouche for my brother, but I am perfectly fine with the choices my parents made. My parents realized what worked and what didnt. Not one second did I feel unloved. Im rambling and I appologize, like i said, its 3 freaking a.m.

Im going to make a list of what drives me nuts (inspired by mi madre):

91 freeway always being a parking lot

RNC and the DNC

Reality TV

Guys wearing pants 3 sizes too small

Girls having no respect for themselves

One word- recession

Tramp stamps

Herpes commercials

Sucky tippers

My cell phone turning off when ever it wants

People that dont understand english

Drivers that dont use their turn signals

My room constantly being hotter than satins living room

Bucket list

Things to do before I die:

Drive a zamboni

Write a book

Marry the love of my life/best friend

Have kids

Buy a house with a wrap around porch

Be an extra on Law and Order

Travel throughout Europe

Open my own bar and grill

Design my own clothing line

Live somewhere other than California

Make a difference in the life of a child(other than my own)

Donate money to childrens leukemia charity

Take a week long cruise

Camp in Yellowstone

See Mount Rushmore

Kiss on the Eiffel Tower(or under it)

Visit the White House

Learn how to speak Italian

Eat lunch with Dave Grohl

See my name in the credits of a movie under Hair and Make up Artist