"Better late than...... pregnant"

I cant sleep, so let's catch up.

Parker and myself are doing great! Very shortly we will be living together. Scary -I know. But, life is an adventure! Im excited and anxious and curious as well. I almost dont feel "grown up" enough to be living with my boyfriend. I think I keep forgetting that I am 23 years old, a successful woman and I am fully capable of handling what gets thrown my way. I constantly forget that I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. :).

I remember telling myself that with 2008 being probably one of the worst years of my life that 2009 was MINE, and I was going to turn things around and do it my way. So far so good. I am hopefully going to be a full time student very shortly! With one of my two current jobs completely sucking, I am revising my plan. No work- all school. That way I can get it all done faster, get my credential, and get on with life in general.

Parker finally said the L word to me a few months ago. Took him long enough, but atleast I know that he means it. And now we will be moving in together. He is worried and scared, but I am excited! I think he is too, just doesnt want to show it,as always. It will be his first time out on his own so it will definately be interesting!

long time no type.

Its been awhile... basic run down. I am working 3 jobs (hairstylist, special ed aide and hostess) also, on top of that I am going to college. Think you have no life?

I just celebrated my 23rd bday! Parker took me to VEGAS!!!!! It was so much fun. It was nice to have it be just us. He let me nap whenever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. It was so nice, yet exhausting, because hellooooo its Vegas!!! After 3 days in Vegas I had to head down to SD to be with my good friend Ashley for her last night of freedom and also because I was in charge of making her beautiful for her big day. Needless to say I AM EXHAUSTED.

I hope I am just PMSing...otherwise I am losing my mind....

I was pretty emotional at the wedding. I cried like a freaking baby! So weird... I also felt a little envious. I know I am young and I have allllll the time in the world but still. I was just thinking.. Will Parker and I ever reach this point? Will Parker ever say he loves me back? Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. May will be a year that we've been together. I am not one to rush relationships- or maybe I am? Either way, I try my hardest to not let it get to me. He shows it, but hearing it is so much different. His friends who have been dating for about the same amount as us are basically head over heels and when we hung out with them tonight it got under my skin. Alot. They are planning on moving in together blah blah blah... I didnt want to hear it. I was talking about how I am moving back to Murrieta so I can save money, his buddy said, oh thats a good move for you guys, that way you each have money in savings so you can can grow. I said, No, Im doing this for me. And me alone. Later, I asked Parker if it bothered him and he said he understood. Lord, please just tell me if I am wasting my time. I am not ready to give up.

Oh geez its 2:30. G'night!

My happy place

Parker and I worked our so called issues out and have been doing really great lately. We've been pretty busy lately. Went to a wedding reception almost 2 weeks ago and I think it was just what we needed-a nice time out on the town. We danced to our first song at the reception, Wonderful tonight by Eric Clapton. LOVED it. So for now I am extremely happy with us and how we are lately. We made it to the 6 month mark which is HUGE for me. Haha.

The only upset is that he told me a few days ago that in May he may leave for a good 6-9 months. He's weighing out a couple of options. One, he will go be a rafting guide up north for the summer then head to Thailand with Anthony for another 3 months. Two, he joins a yacht crew and travels around as a deck hand for several months.

Where does this leave me you ask? Good question. I told him that I'd be upset if he up and took off on a 6 month vacation and expect me to just sit here waiting for him. He said that he wanted to tell me now to see how committed I am. How committed is he if he is willing to just up and leave me because he wants to go galavant around the country side? Ugh. I told him that as long as he can see himself with me long term then we can handle it. So for now, we play it by ear. We are what we are and we'll see where we are at come May if he decides to leave. He is my happy place.

Caution- Road Work Ahead

Parker and I have been fighting alot lately. Call me stubborn, but I dont think I've done anything wrong. There' s just this side of him I've never seen. He's mean and hurtful. He called me fat the other day, which we all know is a BIG no no in the dating scene. Then mocked me by saying, "oh im sorry thats what your mom used to call you huh?" Not funny. He doesnt think before he speaks. I told him to buffer his words and he said that he's not going to lie to me to make me happy. Ass. Saturday was a whole other ballgame, turned the table onto my friend and proceeded to call her fat as well. I can not believe how shallow he is being. If he was anyone else I would have left a long time ago...but for once im sticking it out through the bad, because call me crazy, I love him. Does he know that? No. If I told him maybe he'd be nicer and say he was sorry. There's alot more to the "fat" stories, just dont feel like typing them out.

I dont want to tell him I love him let alone take my shirt off around him right now. How could you want to be close to someone that puts you down? It's emotional abuse and its bullshit. He is coming over tonight so we can talk about our issues. So, we will just have to see where it goes. He knows he was wrong and wants us to move on, but at the same point, we need to talk about it so that it doesn't happen again and he knows its not how he should treat me. He is supposed to pick me up, not put me down. Ugh. Relationships are work...I miss my nice Parker. The Parker that didnt make me cry or feel insecure, the Parker that made me laugh so hard I peed my pants.

So i'll have to keep you posted on progress...

The City of Angels

Excuse my grammar and spelling...im exhausted! And..my spell check button isnt working..

I just got back from my adventure in LA. I used to really hate that town, too much traffic, too dirty...etc. But yesterday I realized that its REAL. Orange County in a bubble. Especially South Orange County... In LA graffiti is everywhere you look, ugly mostly, but in a round about way its art. In LA not everyone is rich and famous or fake and phony. I think it was just nice to get out, take a deep breath of smog and have fun. So now I am home and physically tired as well as emotionally drained.

I did not know that Dan suffers from anxiety attacks. I found out the hard way last night.

This is what happened. We arrived at Kyles house, no one was there so we just let ourselves in, shortly after, one of his roommates came home. Well the roommate decided to offer Dan some weed (ya..he smokes every once in awile, the world is an imperfect place). Dan took about 2 hits of it and with in 5 minutes he was shaking, cold and sick. He stood up from the couch ran out to the balcony and threw up, or so I thought. So i go and check on him, ask him if he's ok, get him some water...when I got out there he was shaking uncontrolably and his heart was beating out of his chest. He immediately hugged me and was borderline crying. I got him to Kyles bedroom so he could lay down. He was saying he was cold so i put every blanket in the house i could find on him...he was still shaking so the only thing i could think of doing was to pretty much spoon him to help get him warm. Mom instincts turned on, even though im not a mom I just did what i would want if I was in his position. So i rubbed his head and told him to breathe and try to relax. It eventually worked. Such a draining experience. I was genuinely worried about him at one point i was thinking of where the nearest hospital was...turns out he didn't eat all day,smoked a pack of cigs to himself,only had alcohol in his system and on top of that he has some family issues going on...so that is what triggered the anxiety attack we decided.

This morning he was so grateful that I was there. Said anyone else wouldnt have layed there with him until he was ok. He said im a good person and an amazing friend. Then, he appologized for smoking the weed. Which was all really nice to hear. So today we all went to Long Beach for a music festival! Dan was still feeling iffy so I stuck by him the whole day just to keep an eye on him. The music was great! I've never seen so many hippies in my life!

The drive home was nice, Dan and I just talked about last night and how i felt about it and how i never want to see him like that again...but i'd be there in a heart beat. Good friends are hard to find.

Now on to Parker...

I sent him a text on the drive home asking him if he wanted to come over, its sunday, he always comes over...he said and I quote: "Maybe, I dont know how much you'll be seeing me for the next month, Anthony is home"

Ouch. Anthony is his best friend who just got home from Iraq, so understandable that they'd be hanging out. But does that really mean that I get put on the back burner for a month? There has to be a balance between friends and me. He can't honestly think that he can just put me off for a month and pick back up can he? He's fucking insane if he thinks im going to be like "oh ok babe, see you in November." and why can't we all hang out? I've never even met the guy yet! Ugh. I want to scream. I need to talk to him, ive tried to but the Angels game is on. GO REDSOX btw.Parker does what Parker wants to do, he runs on Parker time. I think im just going to take a shower and go to sleep so I dont stew over this all night.

For the love of...Music!

I'm going to let you in on what I have been listening to.

Download and dance around!

Katy Perry- Hot n Cold

Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire (weird name, but so so good)

Dodie Stevens- Tan Shoes with Pink Shoe laces

LuLu- To Sir With Love

Taco Tuesdays

I can honestly say that I am the happiest Ive been in quite some time. No, nothing special or amazing happened. But, do you ever step back and see what you have? I did that this week. So contrary to my last post, this one is chipper! I've been hanging out with my friend Dan alot, and the more we get together the more and more I appreciate him as a person. We knew of each other in high school, pretty much ran with the same crowd but never really clicked. I am glad to call him my friend. He is a genuinely nice guy with a huge heart. He appreciates me for me. He doesn't point out stupid things about me nor does he treat me like a disposable friend. (You know, the kind that you hang out with just because they are there) We have nice talks over cold beer, and we have made Tuesdays nights our night out. We do Taco Tuesday, starting at Cooks Corner mainly because their pitchers are only $8, but they also have damn good tacos. From their we head over to Tortilla Flats where our friend Kam Djs. Not my type of music but hey, I've known Kam since 4th grade, and what ever we spend at the bar he gets a portion. Anyways, Do you ever have that one friend where you know that no matter what you say,do or confess you know that they will still love you. That's Dan. He says he appreciates my morals and the fact that I have self respect. (Side note) We were at a party together and he brought to my attention that one of the girls there, well...lets just say shes like a bicycle... And the majority of the guys have gone for a spin. So he wanted to let me know that he likes that I am not like her and that when they do try to come on to me I shoot them down. He says it shows moral upstanding. I just call it common sense. But hey, I guess its how you were brought up. Ok back on track..... Dan yes, Dan. He is one of my favorite people... Mom, you'll get this, He's like Taylor, but more of a man hahahaa.

Anyways, its Friday and I have no plans. Zero. Zilch. Zip. NADA.

But ya know what? I DONT CARE! Anywho..... to whom it may concern, have a good weekend!!